Why did the butcher work extra hours at the shop?
To make ends meat.
How do you find Will Smith in the snow?
Look for fresh prints.
Why did the mushroom get invited to the party?
Because he was a fungi.
How do you steal a coat?
You jacket.
Why did the mushroom get invited to the party?
Because he was a fungi.
What's blue and not very heavy?
Light blue.
Why does Waldo only wear stripes?
Because he doesn't want to be spotted.
Ever wondered why bees hum?
It's because they don't know the words.
What did the mountain climber name his son?
Cliff.
What’s Forest Gump’s Facebook password?
forest
Where do sheep go to get their hair cut?
The baa-baa shop.
Why did the chicken get a penalty?
For fowl play.
what do you call a dog that can do magic tricks?
a labracadabrador
Have you heard of the band MB?
They haven't got a gig yet.
Why do bees hum?
Because they don't know the words.
What do you call an elephant that doesn’t matter?
An irrelephant.
What kind of dinosaur loves to sleep?
A stega-snore-us.
When do doctors get angry?
When they run out of patients.
What is the hardest part about sky diving?
The ground.
What do you call a droid that takes the long way around?
R detour.
What’s E.T. short for?
He’s only got little legs.
What did the big flower say to the littler flower?
Hi, bud!
What do you give a sick lemon?
Lemonaid.
How does the moon cut his hair?
Eclipse it.
Why do crabs never give to charity?
Because they’re shellfish.
Why do chicken coops only have two doors?
Because if they had four, they would be chicken sedans
What cheese can never be yours?
Nacho cheese.
Why can't a bicycle stand on its own?
It's two-tired.
How did the hipster burn the roof of his mouth?
He ate the pizza before it was cool.
What did the ocean say to the shore?
Nothing, it just waved.
What’s brown and sounds like a bell?
Dung!
I dropped a pear in my car this morning.
You should drop another one, then you would have a pair.
Why do bananas have to put on sunscreen before they go to the beach?
Because they might peel!
Want to hear a chimney joke?
Got stacks of em! First one's on the house
Want to hear a joke about construction?
Nah, I'm still working on it.
Did you hear about the runner who was criticized?
He just took it in stride
How do you organize an outer space party?
You planet
Who is the coolest Doctor in the hospital?
The hip Doctor!
Have you ever heard of a music group called Cellophane?
They mostly wrap.
If you're American when you go into the bathroom, and American when you come out, what are you when you're in there?
European
What kind of shoes does a thief wear?
Sneakers
What do you call a bee that lives in America?
A USB.
Why do bears have hairy coats?
Fur protection.
Why can't bicycles stand on their own?
They are two tired
What did one wall say to the other wall?
I'll meet you at the corner!
I Started A New Business Making Yachts In My Attic This Year...
The sails are going through the roof.
Why are ghosts bad liars?
Because you can see right through them!
Did You Watch The New Comic Book Movie?
It was very graphic!
Why do scuba divers fall backwards into the water?
Because if they fell forwards they’d still be in the boat.
I Got Hit In the Head By A Soda Can, But It Didn't Hurt That Much...
It was a soft drink.
Want to hear a joke about a piece of paper?
Never mind...it's tearable
What do you call a fat psychic?
A four-chin teller.
How do hens stay fit?
They always egg-cercise!
How do you get a baby alien to sleep?
You rocket.
Well...
That’s a deep subject.
Why did the melons plan a big wedding?
Because they cantaloupe!
Why did the tree go to the dentist?
It needed a root canal.
Did you hear the joke about the wandering nun?
She was a roman catholic.
Did you know that protons have mass?
I didn't even know they were catholic.
Why does Norway have barcodes on their battleships?
So when they get back to port, they can Scandinavian.
Why did the half blind man fall in the well?
Because he couldn't see that well!
What's the difference between a guitar and a fish?
You can tune a guitar but you can't "tuna"fish!
What do you call a cow with no legs?
Ground beef.
What did celery say when he broke up with his girlfriend?
She wasn't right for me, so I really don't carrot all.
How many bones are in the human hand?
A handful of them.
What happens to a frog's car when it breaks down?
It gets toad away
Where was the Declaration of Independence signed?
At the bottom!
How many seconds are in a year?
. January nd, February nd, March nd, April nd.... etc
What do you call two barracuda fish?
A Pairacuda!
What kind of music do planets listen to?
Nep-tunes.
What is the leading cause of dry skin?
Towels
Why are skeletons so calm?
Because nothing gets under their skin.
Is there a hole in your shoe?
No… Then how’d you get your foot in it?
Why do you never see elephants hiding in trees?
Because they're so good at it.
How do the trees get on the internet?
They log on.
Why did the tomato blush?
Because it saw the salad dressing.
When a dad drives past a graveyard: Did you know that's a popular cemetery?
Yep, people are just dying to get in there
How many hipsters does it take to change a lightbulb?
Oh, it's a really obscure number. You've probably never heard of it.
What did the duck say when he bought lipstick?
Put it on my bill
Where does batman go to the bathroom?
The batroom.
What's brown and sticky?
A stick.
What musical instrument is found in the bathroom?
A tuba toothpaste.
A ham sandwhich walks into a bar and orders a beer. The bartender says...
I'm sorry, we don't serve food here
What do you call a dad that has fallen through the ice?
A Popsicle.
What is a witch's favorite subject in school?
Spelling!
Where does Fonzie like to go for lunch?
Chick-Fil-Eyyyyyyyy.
Never take advice from electrons.
They are always negative.
Why do wizards clean their teeth three times a day?
To prevent bat breath!
How do you make a tissue dance?
You put a little boogie on it.
Lady: How do I spread love in this cruel world?
Random Dude: [...💘]
What do you get when you cross a snowman with a vampire?
Frostbite.
What is a vampire's favorite fruit?
A blood orange.
How many optometrists does it take to change a light bulb?
or ? ... or ?
Is the pool safe for diving?
It deep ends.
Why did the man put his money in the freezer?
He wanted cold hard cash!
What do you call a fake noodle?
An impasta.
Why are pirates called pirates?
Because they arrr!
What does a clock do when it's hungry?
It goes back four seconds!
What do you call a crowd of chess players bragging about their wins in a hotel lobby?
Chess nuts boasting in an open foyer.
What do you call a fly without wings?
A walk.
What do you call a careful wolf?
Aware wolf.
What did the fish say when it hit the wall?
Dam.
What did the Dorito farmer say to the other Dorito farmer?
Cool Ranch!
How much does a hipster weigh?
An instagram.
Can I watch the TV?
Yes, but don’t turn it on.
What does a female snake use for support?
A co-Bra!
What do you call a cow with two legs?
Lean beef.
What do you get when you cross a rabbit with a water hose?
Hare spray.
Why does a Moon-rock taste better than an Earth-rock?
Because it's a little meteor.
What did one nut say as he chased another nut?
I'm a cashew!
What do you call corn that joins the army?
Kernel.
Do you know where you can get chicken broth in bulk?
The stock market.
What did one plate say to the other plate?
Dinner is on me!
Why do pirates not know the alphabet?
They always get stuck at "C".
Why couldn't the kid see the pirate movie?
Because it was rated arrr!
Why did the cookie cry?
Because his mother was a wafer so long
What does C.S. Lewis keep at the back of his wardrobe?
Narnia business!
Where do hamburgers go to dance?
The meat-ball.
What did the fish say when it swam into a wall?
Damn!
Why couldn't the lifeguard save the hippie?
He was too far out, man.
What did the beaver say to the tree?
It's been nice gnawing you.
Do you want a brief explanation of what an acorn is?
In a nutshell, it's an oak tree.
What do you call a belt made out of watches?
A waist of time.
What creature is smarter than a talking parrot?
A spelling bee.
What do you call a sheep with no legs?
A cloud.
What's the worst part about being a cross-eyed teacher?
They can't control their pupils.
What did the digital clock say to the grandfather clock?
Look, no hands!
How do you tell the difference between a crocodile and an alligator?
You will see one later and one in a while.
Where’s the bin?
I haven’t been anywhere!
Why did the Clydesdale give the pony a glass of water?
Because he was a little horse!
What did the grape do when he got stepped on?
He let out a little wine.
What's black and white and read all over?
The newspaper.
How does a French skeleton say hello?
Bone-jour.
What do you call an alligator in a vest?
An in-vest-igator!
Why can't you use "Beef stew"as a password?
Because it's not stroganoff.
What kind of dog lives in a particle accelerator?
A Fermilabrador Retriever.
What do you call a duck that gets all A's?
A wise quacker.
What do you give to a lemon in need?
Lemonaid.
What did the Buffalo say to his little boy when he dropped him off at school?
Bison.
What do you call a cow on a trampoline?
A milk shake!
What does a pirate pay for his corn?
A buccaneer!
Why did the kid cross the playground?
To get to the other slide.
Can a kangaroo jump higher than the Empire State Building?
Of course. The Empire State Building can't jump.
Why did the man run around his bed?
Because he was trying to catch up on his sleep!
How do you organize a space party?
You planet.
Where do young cows eat lunch?
In the calf-ateria.
Why did the Clydesdale give the pony a glass of water?
Because he was a little horse
What do you call a factory that sells passable products?
A satisfactory
What do you get when you cross a chicken with a skunk?
A fowl smell!
Did you hear that the police have a warrant out on a midget psychic ripping people off?
It reads "Small medium at large."
Did you know crocodiles could grow up to feet?
But most just have .
What kind of magic do cows believe in?
MOODOO.
What kind of award did the dentist receive?
A little plaque.
What is the difference between ignorance and apathy?
I don't know and I don't care.
Did you hear about the hungry clock?
It went back four seconds.
Why do ducks make great detectives?
They always quack the case.
Why do pumpkins sit on people’s porches?
They have no hands to knock on the door.
Did you hear about the chameleon who couldn't change color?
They had a reptile dysfunction.
Bad at golf?
Join the club.
Where do bees go to the bathroom?
The BP station.
How does a dyslexic poet write?
Inverse.
Why are fish so smart?
Because they live in schools!
Why didn't the number get into the nightclub?
Because he is square.
Did you hear about the submarine industry?
It really took a dive...
Why is peter pan always flying?
Because he neverlands
How do you know if there’s an elephant under your bed?
Your head hits the ceiling!
What do ghosts call their true love?
Their ghoul-friend
What time is it?
I don't know... it keeps changing.
How many lips does a flower have?
Tulips
What's red and bad for your teeth?
A Brick.
Where do rabbits go after they get married?
On a bunny-moon.
Did you hear the one about the guy with the broken hearing aid?
Neither did he.
Why do trees seem suspicious on sunny days?
Dunno, they're just a bit shady.
What did the ocean say to the beach?
Thanks for all the sediment.
What's the worst thing about ancient history class?
The teachers tend to Babylon.
What lies at the bottom of the ocean and twitches?
A nervous wreck.
What do you call a group of disorganized cats?
A cat-tastrophe.
What happens when you anger a brain surgeon?
They will give you a piece of your mind.
What do you call a fashionable lawn statue with an excellent sense of rhythmn?
A metro-gnome
How does a train eat?
It goes chew, chew
How are false teeth like stars?
They come out at night!
What do birds give out on Halloween?
Tweets.
What did Michael Jackson name his denim store?
Billy Jeans!
What do you call a dictionary on drugs?
High definition.
What was the pumpkin’s favorite sport?
Squash.
Did you hear about the scientist who was lab partners with a pot of boiling water?
He had a very esteemed colleague.
Did you hear about the bread factory burning down?
They say the business is toast.
Why do mathematicians hate the U.S.?
Because it's indivisible.
What do you call a boomerang that won't come back?
A stick.
What do you call someone with no nose?
Nobody knows.
What do you do on a remote island?
Try and find the TV island it belongs to.
Why can't your nose be inches long?
Because then it'd be a foot!
Why are fish easy to weigh?
Because they have their own scales.
Why did the burglar hang his mugshot on the wall?
To prove that he was framed!
How many apples grow on a tree?
All of them!
How did Darth Vader know what Luke was getting for Christmas?
He felt his presents.
Hey, dad, did you get a haircut?
No, I got them all cut.
What do you call a monkey in a mine field?
A babooooom!
What do you call an eagle who can play the piano?
Talonted!
I had a dream that I was a muffler last night.
I woke up exhausted!
What did the late tomato say to the early tomato?
I’ll ketch up
What is a tornado's favorite game to play?
Twister!
What's orange and sounds like a parrot?
A Carrot.
What did the Red light say to the Green light?
Don't look at me I'm changing!
What do you call a nervous javelin thrower?
Shakespeare.
How do you make a hankie dance?
Put a little boogie in it.
Did you hear the news?
FedEx and UPS are merging. They’re going to go by the name Fed-Up from now on.
Have you heard the rumor going around about butter?
Never mind, I shouldn't spread it.
Why didn’t the skeleton cross the road?
Because he had no guts.
What do you call a laughing motorcycle?
A Yamahahahaha.
How does a scientist freshen their breath?
With experi-mints!
What did Romans use to cut pizza before the rolling cutter was invented?
Lil Caesars
How come a man driving a train got struck by lightning?
He was a good conductor.
Why did the fireman wear red, white, and blue suspenders?
To hold his pants up.
What kind of bagel can fly?
A plain bagel.
Why does a chicken coop only have two doors?
Because if it had four doors it would be a chicken sedan.
I Can't Tell If I Like This Blender...
It keeps giving me mixed results.
Don't look at the eclipse through a colander.
You'll strain your eyes.
What do you call a group of killer whales playing instruments?
An Orca-stra.
What do vegetarian zombies eat?
Grrrrrainnnnnssss.
How do you fix a broken pizza?
With tomato paste.
What did the traffic light say to the car as it passed?
Don't look I'm changing!
Did you hear about the guy who invented Lifesavers?
They say he made a mint.
When is a door not a door?
When it's ajar.
What do you call a pile of cats?
A Meowtain.
What are the strongest days of the week?
Saturday and Sunday...the rest are weekdays.
Who did the wizard marry?
His ghoul-friend
What do you get when you cross a bee and a sheep?
A bah-humbug.
Why did the A go to the bathroom and come out as an E?
Because he had a vowel movement.
What do I look like?
A JOKE MACHINE!?
How do locomotives know where they're going?
Lots of training
I bought some shoes from a drug dealer.
I don't know what he laced them with, but I was tripping all day!
Where did you learn to make ice cream?
Sunday school.
I just watched a documentary about beavers.
It was the best dam show I ever saw
How do you make holy water?
You boil the hell out of it
If you see a robbery at an Apple Store...
Does that make you an iWitness?
Did you hear that David lost his ID in prague?
Now we just have to call him Dav.
Why did the belt go to prison?
He held up a pair of pants!
Why are oranges the smartest fruit?
Because they are made to concentrate.
Want to hear my pizza joke?
Never mind, it's too cheesy.
What's the difference between a seal and a sea lion?
An ion!
How many South Americans does it take to change a lightbulb?
A Brazilian
What did the scarf say to the hat?
You go on ahead, I am going to hang around a bit longer.
Why did the worker get fired from the orange juice factory?
Lack of concentration.
What do you call a girl between two posts?
Annette.
What's the best thing about elevator jokes?
They work on so many levels.
Why did the coffee file a police report?
It got mugged.
Why do choirs keep buckets handy?
So they can carry their tune
Why did the cookie cry?
It was feeling crumby.
What do you call an Argentinian with a rubber toe?
Roberto
What was a more important invention than the first telephone?
The second one.
When does a joke become a dad joke?
When it becomes apparent.
Why don't you find hippopotamuses hiding in trees?
They're really good at it.
Did you hear about the cheese factory that exploded in France?
There was nothing left but de Brie.
How does a penguin build it’s house?
Igloos it together.
Which side of the chicken has more feathers?
The outside.
What kind of pants do ghosts wear?
Boo jeans.
Did you hear about the guy whose whole left side was cut off?
He's all right now.
Why are graveyards so noisy?
Because of all the coffin.
Why did the scarecrow win an award?
Because he was outstanding in his field.
Why did the girl smear peanut butter on the road?
To go with the traffic jam.
Why can’t you hear a pterodactyl go to the bathroom?
The p is silent.
Where does Napoleon keep his armies?
In his sleevies.
What did the say to the ?
Nice belt.
What has ears but cannot hear?
A field of corn.
Why does Superman get invited to dinners?
Because he is a Supperhero.
did you know the first French fries weren't cooked in France?
they were cooked in Greece
Where do you learn to make banana splits?
At sundae school.
WI Couldn't Get A Reservation At The Library...
They were fully booked.
What did the spaghetti say to the other spaghetti?
Pasta la vista, baby!
How many tickles does it take to tickle an octopus?
Ten-tickles!
Did you hear about the kidnapping at school?
It's ok, he woke up.
What does an angry pepper do?
It gets jalapeño face.
What do you call sad coffee?
Despresso.
What do prisoners use to call each other?
Cell phones.
Why did the octopus beat the shark in a fight?
Because it was well armed.
How can you tell a vampire has a cold?
They start coffin.
How many kids with ADD does it take to change a lightbulb?
Let's go ride bikes!
What do you call a singing Laptop
A Dell
What do you call a cow with no legs?
Ground beef!
Why did Sweden start painting barcodes on the sides of their battleships?
So they could Scandinavian.
What’s the difference between an African elephant and an Indian elephant?
About miles.
What happens to a frog's car when it breaks down?
It gets toad.
Do I enjoy making courthouse puns?
Guilty
Did you know you should always take an extra pair of pants golfing?
Just in case you get a hole in one.
What do you call cheese by itself?
Provolone.
What do you call an old snowman?
Water.
What biscuit does a short person like?
Shortbread.
What is the tallest building in the world?
The library, it’s got the most stories!
What did one snowman say to the other snow man?
Do you smell carrot?
How come the stadium got hot after the game?
Because all of the fans left.
What do you get hanging from Apple trees?
Sore arms.
Why do valley girls hang out in odd numbered groups?
Because they can't even.
If you boil a clown...
Do you get a laughing stock?
Why are mummys scared of vacation?
They're afraid to unwind.
What’s Cent’s name in Zimbabwe?
Dollars.
What's the best time to go to the dentist?
Tooth hurty.
What do you call a bear with no teeth?
A gummy bear!
What's Forrest Gump's password?
Forrest
How do you make holy water?
You boil the hell out of it.
Why did the invisible man turn down the job offer?
He couldn't see himself doing it
What is red and smells like blue paint?
Red paint!
Did you hear about the two silk worms in a race?
It ended in a tie.
What do you do when you see a space man?
Park your car, man.
Why did the opera singer go sailing?
They wanted to hit the high Cs.
A weasel walks into a bar. The bartender says, "Wow, I've never served a weasel before. What can I get for you?"
Pop,goes the weasel.
What do you call a pig that knows karate?
A pork chop!
Why did Dracula lie in the wrong coffin?
He made a grave mistake.
What did the left eye say to the right eye?
Between us, something smells!
How was the snow globe feeling after the storm?
A little shaken.
Did you hear about the new restaurant on the moon?
The food is great, but there’s just no atmosphere.
Did you hear about the Mexican train killer?
He had loco motives
Did You Hear The Story About The Cheese That Saved The World?
It was legend dairy.
Why does it take longer to get from st to nd base, than it does to get from nd to rd base?
Because there’s a Shortstop in between!
What did the pirate say on his th birthday?
Aye Matey!
What did the dog say to the two trees?
Bark bark.
How do you get two whales in a car?
Start in England and drive West.
How do you fix a damaged jack-o-lantern?
You use a pumpkin patch.
Why do bees have sticky hair?
Because they use honey combs!
What is the least spoken language in the world?
Sign Language
What time did the man go to the dentist?
Tooth hurt-y.
What's the difference between a hippo and a zippo?
One is really heavy, the other is a little lighter.
Why did the cowboy have a weiner dog?
Somebody told him to get a long little doggy.
Dad, can you put my shoes on?
I don't think they'll fit me.
What animal is always at a game of cricket?
A bat.
Why did the barber win the race?
He took a short cut.
A termite walks into a bar and says...
'Where is the bar tended?'
What is this movie about?
It is about hours long.
Why didn’t the orange win the race?
It ran out of juice.
Why did the house go to the doctor?
It was having window panes.
What did the shy pebble wish for?
That she was a little boulder.
Why do birds fly south for the winter?
Because it's too far to walk.
What did the judge say to the dentist?
Do you swear to pull the tooth, the whole tooth and nothing but the tooth?
I'm reading a book about anti-gravity...
It's impossible to put down
Finally realized why my plant sits around doing nothing all day...
He loves his pot.
What type of music do balloons hate?
Pop music!
What did the Zen Buddist say to the hotdog vendor?
Make me one with everything.
Did you hear about the cow who jumped over the barbed wire fence?
It was udder destruction.
What do you call a troublesome Canadian high schooler?
A poutine.
What’s the advantage of living in Switzerland?
Well, the flag is a big plus.
Can February march?
No, but April may.
What is a centipedes's favorite Beatle song?
I want to hold your hand, hand, hand, hand...
What kind of tree fits in your hand?
A palm tree!
What do you call a pig with three eyes?
Piiig